East of Eden. Thou Mayest. Timshel.

Steinbeck's "East of Eden" is a book that climbs into your soul and makes a home there. It is rare that I would name books life changing, but I feel that this novel will find its way into my thoughts throughout my life as I wrestle with my own humanity, and more importantly, my choices.

To me, this is a novel about the power of choice, and the lifelong impact (whether it results in destruction or self actualization) our choices have on our hearts. The choice to love or hate. The choice to stay or leave. The choice to give away, and potentially break, our hearts or preserve them in loneliness. But ultimately, this book is about the most basic and important of these choices- the choice to submit to good or submit to evil.

Steinbeck writes, "We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the neverending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is."

Steinbeck weaves an epic story of the California land and the people who make their lives there; their grand losses, loves, and fears are woven together with sincerity, but it is this inner struggle between good and evil that consumes and defines the plot. It seems that at the crux of the story is a conversation shared between three of its richest characters; Samuel, Lee, and Adam. They are rich, not because they are wholely good, but because Steinbeck makes us aware of their complexity- their deep understanding that to live is not to be perfect. To live is to struggle, to yearn to do evil, but choose to do good. Or conversely, to yearn to do good, but submit to the evil that often lies dark and dormant within us.

The conversation circles around the story of Cain and Abel, and Steinbeck makes the point that "no story has power, nor will it last, unless we feel in ourselves that it is true and true of us." The guilt that is felt by Cain after he slays Abel is woven into the lives of these three men, as I feel it is woven into the lives of all who read this novel. As they discuss and wrestle with the meaning of this Biblical story, Lee points out that it is important because in this story, we see ourselves. It is a story of rejection, of revenge, of the desire to be deeply loved and admired- unconditionally. This desire is so strong and powerful within us, that it can drive us to the very heart of evil- and all for the sake of feeling truly loved.

After Lee studies the differing translations of the Biblical story, in particular, how God responds to Cain and the problem of sin, he comes to an enlightening conclusion- the response God makes to Cain as he is tormented by his own sin is this, "Timshel," or "Thou mayest rule over sin." The element of choice enters the equation. In previous translations of the Bible, God commands, "Thou shalt" rule over sin, eliminating the element of choice. It is this element of choice that brings the men in Steinbeck's story freedom. The beauty of the human soul is found in our abiliy to choose.

I found this particularly profound in that I often feel burdened in life for simply feeling that I don't have a choice in what happens. I often feel a victim of circumstance in my own life- While it is true that much of what happens is beyond our control, we are also empowered to make choices in life- to choose good over evil. To choose peace over violence. To choose love. To use a Biblical phrase, the recognition of choice that Steinbeck has brought again to my awareness is like a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. As Lee says, "I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed- because 'thou mayest.'"

There is no doubt that this novel had a profound impact on me. Steinbeck's beautiful, yet simple and succinct use of the English language is humbling. I was truly moved by this book. Add it to your collection.

the art of becoming...

well, it is just 2 weeks from the last day that I will be able to spend working and being with the children in Room 116 at Dater Montessori. I feel incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to work with these children, and quite honestly, I get a little bit choked up at the thought of leaving them. All of the seasoned teachers that I know say, "Oh, yeah, you get used to it..." and I'm sure that I will, but I am glad to be in the place that I am. I truly appreciate and love these unique individuals.

on the last day of class before this most recent thanksgiving break, all of the children were meandering into class, and such a distinct sense of gratefulness came over me that I could barely handle it. I have been thinking often lately about what it means to be becoming the woman that I want to be, and in this moment it suddenly dawned on me that these children are shaping me and molding me into that woman. Each and every day they reintroduce me to laughter, they test and grow my patience, and they smile with an innocence and joy that I believe comes straight from the heart of God. I am starting to believe that these small moments are my closest brushes with God.

I was talking with my sister and mom this weekend about how much beauty there is in the world. We often don't take note of it, but we discussed that the times we do are the times when God is allowing us the smallest sliver of what infinite love and beauty He possesses (which I believe is far far beyond our comprehension). As we were talking about this, a song came on in the car by a singer named Amy Correia. I have heard her sing several times, and her voice carries a soulful, meloncholy, raspy power that always seems to speak to me. Her music to me is perfect, yet she is relatively undiscovered. I wondered at the number of undiscovered artists out there who continue to feel this drive within them to create, even without the fame and glory. Then I thought about how God created us with such artistic beauty and power within us, that we simply cannot keep it in. We must share it.

In a sense, that is how I feel about my experiences with children each day. Each day brings another precious, funny, or sometimes heart wrenching story- but in them lies my own beauty. I recognize my own strength in children. They are my perfect, raspy, soulful, and meloncholy voice. As emotionally exhausted as I sometimes feel, they are molding me into a stronger version of myself. They are participating in my art- the art of becoming.

A Heartbreaking Work...

After 3 guys I know alluded to the fact that Dave Eggers writes the way they think, I was intrigued and picked up his book, "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius." It should be noted that I actually started reading this book sometime last year, but couldn't stomach the book's initial depressing and graphic details of what life is like with cancer.

In general, I hate when I begin a book and let it fall by the wayside (which seems to be happening quite frequently lately), but I have to say, I'm so pleased I started reading this novel again. Egger's honest, and almost impulsive depiction of his life after the death of his parents is refreshingly so REAL. and even better- it's so damn FUNNY. I found myself snickering reading this book and often thinking, "is this heartbreaking or is this hilarious? i think it's both! how does he DO that?!"

As Eggers is thrown into fathering his younger brother at 22, he finds himself betwixt two conflicting roles: that of mentor/mature older brother/father, and that of hormonal 22 year old male (i realize that's more than two roles...5 roles is a little more accurate). He writes with a sardonic stream of consciousness flair that had me laughing out loud several times in public. I've never read a book that so well captures the scattered and often absurd nature of our own thoughts- our judgments, egos, fantasies, fears, anger, eccentricities, and loneliness.

As I read this book, I found myself relating to Eggars because he was honest about being greedy and self-involved- perhaps it made me feel more justified in that uglier side of my own humanity...but what is so brilliant about Eggars is that he achieves that connection, all the while bringing focus to the absurd humor in it all.

So, I definitely give this book an enthusiastic thumbs up. If you're a fan of sarcasm, honesty, and laughter, you will want to read this book. seriously, like, right NOW.

more later.

staying awake.

so, you know when you look out the window of your car while waiting at a stop light and you see a few McDonald's bags, an assortment of plastic bottles, cigarette cartons, and the occasional sock or bra? it always seems to collect in the same places on the highway, right as you're getting off the exit, and have to wait at a stop light. "oh! great idea! i've got a bunch of random trash in my car. i know. i'll chuck it out the window. sweet. my car is so much cleaner now." i really wonder about these people, and until a couple days ago, i'd never really witnessed one of these roadside villains, but they piss me off, nonetheless. so, i'm driving home from my friend's rehearsal dinner, almost home, and a car stops in front of me to drop someone off (taking their sweet time, i might add). a small, heavily tattooed guy in a wife beater steps out of the pimped out '82 oldsmobile (at least that's what it looked like), winks at me, and tosses his half full mountain dew bottle onto the tree lawn (okay, i've used the word tree lawn before, and most people don't know what it is. i think this might be a phrase use strictly by clevelanders. i guess tree lawn sounds a little bit cooler than "that patch of grass between the sidewalk and the road," and let's be honest, cleveland needs something to feel cool about. but i digress).

so, getting back to the story, the little tattooed man deliberately litters, and the strength of my reaction surprised me (what i'm saying is, it usually takes a lot to get me angry). i was completely disgusted. and in complete honesty, i felt like stopping my car, picking up the mountain dew bottle, and chucking it at his "Stacy Forever" tattoo, because i'm sure he had one. but i didn't. i just felt angry and went home. (what i should have done was stop and pick up his bottle and recycle it. i'm not often the brightest bulb). once i got home i kind of started thinking about this man and why his litter pissed me off so much. i truly do care about our earth, and i want to take care of it, even though i know i don't always do the greatest job...but i think the crux of the issue for me is how little we think we matter, and i think that this mentality leads us all toward living our lives unconsciously.

i find myself doing this all the time. i'm not really experiencing what is here in this moment. maybe it is in these times that we completely lose our connection with our own significance and contribution toward the global community. i often say i go running to clear my head, but most of the time, i'm just filling it with more worries and over-analysis of some relationship gone wrong, thinking of all the instances i've probably messed something up or worrying that maybe i don't really know myself at all. i'm pretty sure that might be the emotional equivalent of throwing an empty can of fresca into oncoming traffic. i'm not sure. i would rather notice how beautiful all the green is around me or look someone in the eye as i pass and say hello. sometimes i just feel really selfish.

i always tell myself, "feel it, and let go. feel it, and let go." i guess the letting go is just a little bit more difficult than i thought. all of this takes so much work, and sometimes it's just too overwhelming to face the work head on. i have a lot to work on.

i guess i'd like to be awake for even more of my life. my best friend courtney just got married this weekend, and the one thing she said several times that really stuck with me is that she just wanted to feel connected to what was going on- to not feel as if she was floating through the day, but absorbing the beauty of it. i could imagine that would be really difficult at a wedding, when managing all of the details at times seems to overshadow the significance of the event. but at the end of the day, there was a lot of love in that room we all shared together, celebrating the union of two people who are dear to me and everyone else there. stripped down, it all came down to that, i think.

so, whether it's throwing trash out the window, or the moments i miss simply because i'm caught up in myself, i'd like to at least be more aware. i'd like to simplify things. i'd like to be living consciously, and i think i'm going to start working on that a little bit harder.

trying this again...

so, i've completely lost touch with the art of regularly recording my thoughts...this year will be one of many transitions, so i wanted to have a medium in which i could freely jot down the random, humorous, lonely, stressful, joyful (etc.) moments of one small life in cincinnati, oh. maybe some people will relate to what i write (if anyone actually reads this), and i hope that's the case...but mostly i think this will be for me to look back on and remember who i was at this stage in my life. i find it's difficult to identify growth in my life unless i have something to compare it to. so, in layman's terms, this is to inflate my ego. once i'm a world renown montessori scholar (i'll be the first one) who has touched the lives of millions of children, i will look back on this blog and think to myself, "wow..what an ignorant fool! look how much cooler and smarter and hip-er i am now. i'm the best."

i may also include other miscelanneous "lauren's life" details regarding my disasterous dating life, an occasional anecdote about my psychotically adorable cat marmalade, or my psychotically adorable roommate, john. you can feel free to skip these parts, as they will probably only entertain me or one or two others. however, if you want to feel really great about your life, you may not want to miss out on the anecdotes. i'm clumsy, sometimes awkward, and enjoy sharing my most uncool and messy moments with others, so if you're somewhat of a voyeur or simply like to gossip, you can get all your lauren dirt here. (if i actually keep up with this. i haven't in the past. i'm going to try really hard this time). also, for your entertainment, i hope to be including all my student teaching experiences, which will be PLENTIFUL, i'm sure. i'm convinced that 3-year-olds hold the key to unlocking even the most dull individual's sense of humor... they ask the most hilariously inappropriate questions, and have are often inclined to pull their pants down in public. i mean, come on, at what other stage in life do we get away with that?

let's see, what else...i hope to give occasional updates on what i'm reading and the music i'm listening to..maybe even a movie review here or there. remember, my opinions are of the utmost importance to the way you live your life. i suggest you agree with everything i write...or, if you disagree, feel free to send me hateful comments, then i'll send some back and we can be arch enemies. i've never had one before. it could be fun...

that's all for now. stay tuned...